Dear Mom

Hospice of Wake County is really good about following up with family members after a loss. They have an entire bereavement team. The people I most want to talk to are the ones who were here for us during the process. I really grew to love our nurse and our social worker. I spent more time with the two of them than anyone else (not residing in our home). It's very difficult because I don't feel like I lost one person on the day my mother passed, but three. But as much as I long for them to be part of the bereavement team, I know their skills are better served helping the patient and coaching the caregivers through what is going to happen.

As part of mailing four, signifying the fourth month since I lost my mom, Hospice recommends writing a letter to the deceased to help me deal with my loss, specifically talking about certain things. So, here goes...

Dear Mom,

One of the fondest memories I have of you is the day I came in to your work to show you the ultrasound pictures of Isaac. I had them on disk and you had Grace put it in the computer to print out the pictures. I was only 9 weeks pregnant, so he looked like nothing more than a crooked peanut, but those pictures hadn't even finished printing before you were uncontrollably crying tears of pure joy. Don't get me wrong...I was totally embarrassed, mostly for you, but also very proud to have given you something that would make you that happy. What you expressed was the same feeling I had that I didn't think anyone else was capable of feeling at the same time, and I felt closer to you at that moment than I ever had before.

I miss you. I miss being able to call you to talk about what's going on in my life. I miss being able to ask your opinion, even though most of the time I didn't listen to it anyway. I miss hearing your opinion even when I didn't ask for it. Mostly I miss seeing you interact with Isaac. You were a wonderful grandmother. You, like me, marveled in even his smallest accomplishments in a way that only a mother or grandmother can. You were a huge source of support and never skipped a beat when I asked for help - with anything. You were willing to take care of him when he was sick, well, happy or screaming his head off without the slightest complaint because you were just happy to be around him. It made me proud...of him and of you.

I wish I had taken you to the beach, and fishing one last time. Those were the only two things you repeatedly said that you wanted to do. But I just couldn't figure out the logistics and I thought it would be too much hassle. It would have been a lot of hassle, and exhausting for everyone involved, and you probably would have been ready to fall asleep within 20 minutes, but I should have done it anyway. That would have been a memory I have of you instead of a regret. I'm sorry.

The hardest thing I've had to deal with since you've passed has been knowing how I treated you. Yes, I took care of you. I made sure you had all of your medicines, kept you safe, and handled all of your affairs, but I stopped treating you like a person who was scared, sad, and in need of her daughter to reassure her that she was loved and would be missed.

Today marks four months from the day I watched you take your last breaths. Every day at some point, even for just a brief moment, I'm right there in that room with you, holding your hand and Trey's hand, wishing I would say something instead of just watching it happen. I should have told you I loved you one last time.

But I do. I do love you, and always will. I promise that I will never forget all of the wonderful things you did from me, promise to learn from your mistakes, and promise to always always make sure Isaac knows how much his grandma loved him.

See you some day. Miss you until then.

Love Always

Virginia

Once Upon a Time

I always tell people how funny Isaac is. Really, you should spend some time around him and you'll fall instantly in love. Up until recently, though, anything he said or did that was funny was something he had heard someone else say or do. Last week while in the waiting room for my Dad to have surgery, he looked at me and began to tell me a story.

"Once upon a time there was a little boy 'flalling' down a hill," he says (Yes, falling is spelled incorrectly, but that's how he says it, so it makes the story even cuter.)I chuckled a little at stared at him in surprise then asked what happened next. "He got a boo-boo." Well, of course he did. "Then what happened, Isaac?" I ask. "Then his mommy kissed it." "Wow, what happened next, buddy?" "Then it make him all better." When I asked him what happened next, he proceeded to tell me the story all over again.

Then, yesterday we were playing in the living room and after I pinned him to the floor to steal his kisses from his cheeks, he got up, reached towards my lips, then brought his hand back to his cheek to retrieve the kisses I stole from him. TOO Funny.

FUN with FOOD

5MinutesforMom.com is having another one of their fantastic photo contests, and this time I thought I'd get in on the action. The winner gets $500 for groceries.

This picture was taken last summer before my sweet little baby ever turned 2. Now, close to three years old, so many features of that cute baby face are no longer there. His cute gappy teeth and fat cheeks are a thing of the past. I'm thankful I have this precious photo to make sure I never forget.

Who Your Friends Are..and Aren't

I'm not the most eloquent speaker or writer, consequently I rarely know how to word things so as not to offend people. Oddly enough, my sugarcoating abilities are worse in my writing than in conversation. Perhaps because in conversation I have to look people in the eyes and see their reaction, or listen to the offense or hurt in their voice, so I muster more compassion. I say this because I realize that what I'm about to write will likely make it obvious for some readers which category they fall into.

When I had my beautiful baby boy, Joe's and my life suddenly became no longer about us, but about this sweet, innocent child God had placed in our care. We saw a total outpouring of love and support from practically everyone we knew, not just for Joe and I, but, of course, for this new member of our family. People were coming by to visit, to give calls of support for no other reason than to let us know they were praying for us. I was, and still am, so incredibly grateful for everything that was done for us in those early weeks and months of our lives as new parents. At that time, I believed that I had discovered who our true friends were. The thing is, in times of great joy, everyone steps up their game and is excited to share in that joy.

Three months and eleven days ago, we were taken out of our own little world and placed inside the cancer cage. That Thursday night I sat by my mother's side in an emergency room, watching her go through agonizing pain and listening to doctors respond to every symptom we reported with, "Yes, that too would further lead us to believe that the masses found on the CAT scans are cancerous tumors." As I sat in shock, thinking this was all too surreal my husband tapped out a heartfelt post on this very blog giving a praise to God for an answered prayer, and also begging for the prayers of others for my mother and the battle she and we were going to be facing. For the next week, I commuted back and forth from the hospital and spent every waking minute at home on the phone talking to concerned friends and family who wanted updates on my mother's condition. Six days after the longest night of my life, we received the news that my mother had metastatic pancreatic cancer and there was nothing that could be done to cure her, and to top it off, her pain would become increasingly worse. The next day she came home to live with us.

When the fog started to dissipate, the shock wore off, and the world kept on spinning for everyone else but us, slowly but surely, I started to realize that my list of people who were true friends was way off. People I would have expected to demonstrate the same outpouring of love we received in our time of joy... some of them have come through, and others just never emerged from the mist. People I had limited contact with, and in many cases, no relationship with, came out of the woodwork and have been such an amazing source of strength. Others, some friends and some family haven't so much as called to ask how things are going or offer a word of encouragement. So many brothers and sisters in Christ rejoiced with us when mom accepted Christ as her savior. At the same time, nearly all have missed such an amazing opportunity to show Christ's love to a new Christian in an incredibly vulnerable, scary position. The hardest part has been realizing that people who I thought would be there to show their love to my mother, aren't.

I get it. It's not that anyone doesn't care. Perhaps in many cases it's because they care too much or, even more likely, just don't know what to say or how to act.

Finding out who your friends are or aren't can be saddening, but at the same time, what a joy it is to receive that hug or thoughtful note from someone you wouldn't have expected to reach out to you.

Help my sis-in-law win a Wii

My five year old nephew took the picture below. Didn't he do a great job? Tonya entered it into an online contest themed "the kid in you".

Click Here to vote for "A Day in the Life of a Mama."

I Speak Muna Muna

Isaac is developing quite the imagination. For weeks now he's been going around "picking" things off a table or the wall and saying "I eat grape." or "you want berry?". He'll come to you with his hand out, stick it in your face and demand that you eat the pancake he made especially for you.

Yesterday he stacked two blocks together and said "I eat ice cream." He got ready to take a "bite" out of it and stopped, said "uh oh. I say blessing." He then put it between his knees and said, "Dear God, thank you ice cream. Amen," and proceeded to pretend to eat his ice cream cone. I of course bowed my head with him when he prayed, but I thought I was going to wet myself it was so cute and funny.

As you all know, toddlers often times have their own language. I call Isaac's Isaneese. Several weeks ago he was laying in bed getting ready to go to sleep and he started chanting "muna muna muna muna." I asked him if he was speaking Isaneese, to which he replied, "No. I speak muna muna." What a character.

April Update

I wanted to take some time to update everyone on where our life stood.

In case you didn't already know, I quit my job teaching and have since began working at a dental office owned by a guy in our church. His son in law is a friend of ours and is the head of business operations, so I was able to go through him for the job. I'm really enjoying the job and have learned a ton of information about the dental world.

A lot of people were surprised to hear that I quit teaching, but the fact is that it just doesn't pay the kind of money I feel like I'm worth. I hope that doesn't come across as arrogant, but when you go to school and have a bachelors degree and see managers at fast food restaurants making virtually the same salary it gets a bit frustrating. I was sad to leave the kids in the middle of the year, one girl even cried, but I will get a chance to tutor eight of them over the next five weeks (and get paid good money for it).

Virginia's mom, Melissa, is still living with us, and will continue to for the rest of her life. One answer to prayer about three weeks ago was that she prayed the prayer of salvation with Virginia one Saturday night. I think that was a burden off of Virginia and it seems to have changed her outlook on life. As for her health, things are not great. We have hospice nurses coming to the house a couple times a week and have put her house on the market. At this point we're just trying to get things organized and taken care of so that we're ready when the end does come. I have no idea how long she has left, but it's important to get it done quickly any way.

Please continue to pray for us and all the changes going on in our life. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. For the most part, my life has been rather problem free in terms of major changes. This has been a learning experience for both of us.

Bad News

Thursday afternoon, Virginia got the word that her mom, who had been experiencing back pain and things of that nature, was on her way to the hospital at the order of the doctor. She had blood clots in her lungs and was admitted to Rex Hospital. As things have unfolded, it's looking more and more as if she has cancer, though the origin of it has yet to be determined. Virginia spent most of the night with her on Thursday and then the entire day on Friday. Tonight, she's there again and spending the night with her. She's pretty overwhelmed and could use your prayer. I'll try to keep you updated as I can.

Winning the War

It's not how many battles you win, it's who surrenders in the end. Right?

Isaac has always been a really good sleeper. With the exception of a few short periods where he screamed bloody murder before finally drifting off to sleep, he's always gone to sleep right away. Okay, so nap time has been a chore for quite some time, and sure, after the first week after moving to his "big boy bed," he started laying by the door and crying himself to sleep for over a month. But, for the past few months he's gone to bed without a fight. I read him a few books, we say our prayers, sing a a song or two, give hugs and kisses and we're done. But here's where things changed - Isaac learned to open doors. He's been able to open doors from the outside of a room for a while now, but now he's mastered opening a door from inside. He got that action down pat one day and on the next he started leaving his room.

For a few nights one of us would stay with him in his room until he fell asleep. It didn't take long and seemed pretty harmless. However, now that he can leave his room in the middle of the night, when he wakes up, why in the world should he stay in his room? By 1 in the morning, he's had a good nap, doesn't want to go back to bed and sitting with him in his room until he falls asleep becomes a two hour event.

So, I decided we were going to nip this thing in the bud before it got out of control. Last night I sent Joe off to Bible study, stayed home with Isaac and prepared myself for an hour or two of walking Isaac back to his bed.

He went to bed at 7:59. Between 7:59 and 8:35 he's left his room a 54 times - I'm feeling good; after all, he has to give up eventually. By 9:00, he left his bed a total of 85 times - I'm sure that he'll be in bed in no time. By 9:40 we're up to 139 times and I'm getting less patient. I keep remembering that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I stopped counting at 10:05 -166 times of putting Isaac back to bed. At 10:15 I was ready to hurt my child, so for my sanity and his protection, I quit. I held the door shut and he kicked the door and cried himself to sleep, meanwhile I sat on the floor and cried my eyes out as well. This whole Supernanny/ Healthy Sleep Habits garbage of "no communicating or showing affection of any kind after bedtime" only works with a child who stays in bed for a little while and then gets up.

Who won that battle? I don't know - my count says we both lost.

Oh, by the way, he was up before 6 this morning.

Catching Up

I took a couple of videos off of our camera right before Isaac's birthday. Here they are.

This is Isaac right after Christmas:


This was back in early December:


This was at the State Fair in September:


This was back in July:

Big Boy Bed

Joe and I converted Isaac's bed to a toddler bed on Wednesday night. That morning he nearly threw himself out of his crib, so I figured it was time. He's done really well about staying in it. In fact, he hasn't gotten out of the bed once without permission. He is growing up so fast. Look how proud he is of himself!

Oh, I had to share this of my niece and nephews. It is the cutest thing!

And Ivory Makes 4

That's right. I am now the proud aunt of 4, count them, 4 little blessings. My little niece was born Friday September 14. I just can't wait to see the little bundle. I have to again ask my brother-in-law's forgiveness for taking his father way in his time of, what was it Jeff? "child birthing and rejoicing." My father-in-law was with us that weekend to install new floors in our kitchen and dining room, which look beautiful, by the way. Thanks Nonno!

On another note, our home fellowships started back up at church on Monday. We are excited to be able to go this year. Last year we weren't able to because of Isaac's sleep schedule. Admittedly he got to sleep two hours late Monday night, but that's because the little guy refused to go to sleep in the car on the way home. We can be in the car for fifteen minutes with the sun shining right on him and he konks out, but give him a quiet, thirty minute car ride in the dark and he jabbers the whole way home. He kept saying "hi." "hi." trying to get our attention. It was too cute and all I could do not to laugh at him.

Isaac has recently discovered "Melmo". He realized how great his dance and sing Elmo was and got interested in anything with Elmo on it. Sue sent three DVDs when Joe came down over the weekend to do the floors. Isaac loves them. They come in handy when we're trying to get dinner ready. We just sit him in his booster, turn him towards the TV and he's good to go for twenty minutes. I swore I'd never be that mother - not that I wouldn't put my toddler in front of the TV; I had no disillusions about that - I just never thought I'd be encouraging Elmo, after all, he's so annoying! At any rate, I've become that mother and couldn't be happier about it.

Happy Birthday America

Joe and Isaac have been busy with Daddy Day Care Part 2. Isaac appears to really be enjoying his time with Dad. When I come home in the afternoon he briefly acknowledges my presence then begins pointing to Joe chanting "Dada, Dada...." Yeah, I get it baby, you and Dad are buds. How 'bout a little love for mom?


The little guy is learning new words and new things every day. To his list of words he has added pear, chicken, shovel, nose, eye, bike, pee-pee and nite-nite and let's you know when he has a stinky diaper by waving his hand in front of his nose and saying "woo woo." It's very funny and I'm amazed and impressed by him every day. He has continued his reign of terror over our poor cats who are de-clawed, might I add. They, now realizing that he is far from fragile, have decided that enough is enough. Wrigley bit Isaac for the first and second time this weekend and Joe and I allowed it to happen. We've told him too many times to stop stepping on the kitties, stop pulling the kitties' tails, stop trying to ride the kitties, awww sweet boy petting the kitties - it's time he learns the hard way.

On a side note, please be in prayer for me. I have several ovarian cysts that pose no medical threat but are causing, sometimes severe, pain in my back and abdomen. The doctors are hoping they will resolve themselves, but in the mean time pray that the pain stays manageable with ibuprofen.

Tubular

As many of you may know, Isaac had tubes put in on May 17. He had been dealing with multiple ear infections, and had been on antibiotics consistently since Christmas. The tubes will make Isaac far less likely to get ear infections because they allow fluid to drain out. Since then we have seen a big change in his vocabulary. Not only is he saying more words, he seems to understand us better. I decided to document his progress but unfortunately I had some technical difficulties and the middle of the video was cut out.



In addition, Isaac also says shoe (shu), Grandma (amma), kitty (izzy), yeah, no ( nu nu nu nu), and wow (wu). He also blows kisses and gives piranha kisses (imagine a big, sloppy, open-mouth, teeth-first kiss).

Oh, and just for kicks, here's a video of Isaac at ten months. This is back when he still looked like he wore a toupee.

Isaac Eats with a Fork & Spoon

Yes it's true! My 14 1/2 month old son CAN indeed eat with utensils.

Woes of a Working Mom

Monday during my lunch I ran into a man I work with who was there with his wife and daughter. She's been fortunate enough to be able to stay home with their little girl who is two months younger than Isaac. The two of them have been married for over 10 years and had been praying for Hannah for years and had nearly come to the conclusion that they would never have children. She was telling me about how she cried when Hannah turned a year old and how quickly the time has flown by. Everyone can relate to feeling like time passes too quickly but those with children have a heightened sense of this. She started talking about how she hates to go anywhere without Hannah because she changes so quickly and is doing so many new things that she's afraid she'll miss something. She really struck a cord in my heart and with my response of "I know, it just breaks my heart that I can't be with Isaac during the day," I broke into tears like a big baby. For the rest of the day I remained in the same state; if I so much as broke concentration of what I was working on, the water works started all over again.

Joe and I have been listening to the Money Matters PodCast pretty regularly. For those of you who aren't familiar with Money Matters, they're a Christian Ministry dedicated to teaching what God has to say about how we should handle money. One of the things I hear them repeat so often is a passage out of scripture that says the debtor is servant to the lender. How true this is. I look back now on all the student loans we took out based on the advise of University Financial Aid. Some we needed to be able to finance our education but others we took as cushion, to put into savings since we had very little and felt we really should have since we had no health insurance. They told us that some of the loans would be cleared since Joe was going to be a teacher and that it was cheap money to borrow. We were young, stupid kids. If we didn't have these loans, would I be able to be home with Isaac? Maybe; probably not. I don't know; my husband's a teacher and we all know they're underpaid.

All I know is that I was home today with Isaac because he became sick Tuesday afternoon and although he hasn't gotten sick at all today, he's slept most of the day. He could probably use an extra day of rest that he undoubtedly will not get enough of at daycare tomorrow but I'm forced to bring him in out of guilt about all of the work I have to get done and the people who are relying on me there. I guess I'll just say a little prayer and push on.

Toothy Grin

During the past two weeks Isaac has had 4 teeth break through, that brings us to a grand total of 6 teeth. The poor child has been working away at his food (and believe me, he eats a lot of it) with only two teeth since October. He now has four, incredibly cute, gappy top teeth adding to his adorable smile.

As of February 13, Isaac has moved up to the toddler's room in school. He really seems to enjoy it. They have music and art time every day, go outside in from 9-10 when it's warm enough and again at 3 after they all get up from their 2 1/2 hour naps. It's very structrued and he is really thriving in that kind of an environment. The best part of it, however, is the nap time. That was my biggest complaint about the other classroom. No one slept at the same time so there was always someone awake for Isaac to play with therefore he just didn't sleep. The toddler room is so cute. They have a little table that sits about 12 inches off the floor with tiny little chairs they all sit in to eat breakfast, lunch and snack. They also have their own playground which has been Isaac's nemesis. One of the first days there he fell and hit his nose on the playground and he continues to reinjure it. My poor baby has had a scab or bloody nose in some shape or form every day since he first started. You can see it in most of the pictures we've added to the photo album.

Isaac's sweet curls, which we used to be able to brush down are now in full control. I've now resorted to mouse to keep him from looking like we just forget to brush his hair every morning. I really do love his curls but I feel bad that they always look in such disarray.

Lately I've become worried that Isaac is overconcerned about his weight. Every morning and I try to get ready for work Isaac steps up on the scale and down, up and down. I can't tell if he's just trying to make sure the scale tells him the same thing each time or if he's trying to exercise his gluts. Either way it's very amusing, to him at least.

Well, until next time!

Time to Quit Being Lazy

It's really time that we quit being so terrible when it comes to updating this site. Life is just so busy these days that it's hard to find the time or the motivation to actually sit down and write. Since our last update, we have had a birthday party for Isaac. It went well. We had some people over to the house for cake and ice cream. Here are a couple pictures of Isaac opening presents if you haven't seen them in the photo album yet. Click on the photos to make them larger.



Last night Virginia and I went to Olive Garden for Valentine's Day. It was the first time I had been there since about three years ago. It was good. My main course was not as good as I had hoped, but the white chocolate raspberry cheesecake for desert more than made up for it. What was frustrating for us was the fact that the waiter seemed to rush us. We had ordered an appetizer to start with. He brought out our salad and breadsticks to start. Before we had even finished the salad, our appetizer was on the table. Then, not 5 minutes later, in the middle of us eating our calamari and mushrooms, our main dish came out. We had a huge amount of food on the table, which was a little frustrating.

That's about it for now. I know Virginia took some pictures last night, so be looking for those soon.

Oh Isaac, You Make My Life Sunshine and Bubbles

It seems like only yesterday I was complaining about how slowly every day was passing. Every day past the day Isaac was due seemed like an eternity. Every hour meant my legs grew that much more tired and my ankles that much more swollen. Fast track one year later and I don't know where the time has gone. This past year Isaac has learned to sit, roll, feed himself, pull up, crawl, and walk. He has two teeth - yes, just two - and a row full of teeth pressing on his poor little gums just waiting to all pop through at the same time. He has a mound full of unruly curls sitting on top of his head and the happiest eyes and brightest smile I have ever seen in my entire life.

I can't believe how much our lives has changed since he made his arrival into our lives. Our world, which used to revolve around sports and social schedules, now revolves around nap and bed times and ...sports schedules...but that's another post. We find ourselves being entertained by the silliest things; the funny faces he makes when he tries a new food he really likes, or better yet, one he really dislikes, watching him crawl back and forth under the coffee table 16 times like it's his own private passage way, or the way he bursts out laughing and scurries off when you chase him. He is such a joy and a light and I couldn't think of a more rewarding, challenging, and humbling job than being his parent. Happy Birthday, my Tiny Man.

Halloween Fun

Here are some pictures from two Halloween activities. We went to a corn maze yesterday with a few of the couples from our home fellowship. Here are some pictures of that.

Virginia and Isaac and I also went to a pumpkin patch to pick out a pumpkin or two for the carving. Isaac got a special treat from the lady at the pumpkin patch, his very first sucker. He liked it with the paper on, but he REALLY liked it with the paper off.